Archive for December, 2010

Artists, criminals, geniuses, housewives and homosexuals. They all say it. They are the lone repositories for specialness, singled out for isolated torture. Please. Everyone. Make no mistake. Everyone feels like an outsider. The nature of human existence is to feel different, apart, alone. The very core of our being is on a perpetual quest to discover The Other. To cross the great divide and be joined with the long lost twin, the soulmate, the ghost on the other side of the mirror.

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Virgin Mary is Blonde

Christmas newsflash! Virgin Mary has been sighted in Wisconsin. Local bishop confirms authenticity. Woman has seen the Virgin Mary several times and guess what? She has blonde curly hair!

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Lawyers Gone Wild

A comercial shows a construction crew, wearing orange vests and helmets,sweeping away a gunky mess. What are they doing? They are tiny little men, inside a dishwasher, cleaning last night’s hardened spagetti sauce off the dishes. They do a marvelous job. The dishes now sparkle.  And then…at the bottom of the screen…the word ‘Dramatization’ appears. Really? Are people so stupid that they actually believe there are shrunken construction crews who push brooms around inside their dishwasher? Apparently, the makers of the product think so. Or, at least their lawyers think so. Funny? Or just insanely insulting?

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The Internet is a Wormhole

Just spent some time browsing blogs. Next thing I know, I’m scanning through someone’s photos of her beloved golden retriever. This person is a total stranger. Never met her, never will. So, why am I looking at, not one, not two, but a dozen photos of her dog? Seriously weird how the internet sucks us into wormholes that are pointless and utterly forgettable. On the other hand, I can’t get the image out of my brain of the worlds’s biggest zit from youtube. Pointless, yes. Forgettable, no.

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The Tourist

Throwback to sixties international crime drama. Sexy female spy, iconic European city, obligatory evening gowns, tuxedos and diamonds…yawn. No chemistry whatsoever between Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. Jolie is gorgeous and her wardrobe recalls Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday. Unfortunately, her one-dimensional performance does not. Depp is unusually flat. The actors are hobbled by an unimaginative script. The real star of the film is Europe. Aerial shots of Venice make the price of the ticket worth it if you don’t have a big screen at home and can’t afford a plane ticket to Italy.

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God Time

Just had coffee with a writer friend. He mentioned his writing routine. Gets his daughter off to school, spends an hour on God Time, which may or may not include music and cleaning up the kitchen. Then he writes. I love the messy honesty of admitting what one’s God Time really looks like. My God Time almost always includes coffee. Wonder how much that caffeine affects my spiritual life. Some folks are disciplined, I know. Their God Time occurs daily, in the wee hours of the morning, before anyone else is awake. Others admit their God Time is in the car, on the way to work. Me Time is a phrase that has entered our lexicon. As though every minute of every day is not Me Time. What exactly is Me Time? What exactly is God Time? Does God make time for me?

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Re-Gifting Quizz

When is it OK to re-gift?

A.   When the gift comes from the paperboy, local realtor or your insurance agent. (Of course, those are the lamest gifts ever, so you better tuck some homemade fudge in there with it)

B.   When the gifter lives in another state

C.   When you’re unemployed and dead broke

D.   When you’re not unemployed, but dead broke because you went shopping on Black Friday and maxed out your credit card on that awesome leather coat and thigh-high boots

E.   When you love Planet Earth more than Mom and believe that re-gifting is no different than recycling

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Anyone ever got caught re-gifting? I admit it. I’m a re-gifter. Sometimes I even use the same giftbag. The one thing I never re-gift? Homemade cookies and candy.

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All I Want for Christmas

Just opened the latest Christmas CD from famous artists trying to be artistic. Bah, humbug! I want Christmas carols! No original songs, no songs from your heart. I want to hear the same old carols I hear every year and I’m giving you permission to be the one to deliver them into my home. So sing the old carols and no one gets hurt.

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O Holy Night

It’s that wonderful season of celebration again. The stars are shining brightly. Soon it will be the night of our dear Savior’s birth. How better to honor our Lord than to join the crowd lined up outside the mall at midnight, wait for hours in the bitter cold for the stores to open, and then stampede through the doors, trampling to death those who lose their footing during the melee? O Night Divine!

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