Archive for May, 2011

Stedman Graham

Pope-rah's Concubine?

In a stunning series of events this week, the Vatican announced its nomination of Oprah for sainthood. Amidst the excitement generated by Oprah’s last appearance on her long running talk show, the Pope was quoted as saying, “The woman has miraculous powers that can only be attributed to a divine source. No one but Oprah could have made Stedman Graham a household name.” Rumors abound that the Holy See was  inspired by the appearances of  Tom Hanks, Madonna and Dakota Fanning, among others. Beyonce sang a rousing tribute to Oprah, wearing fish net stockings and a skin-tight tuxedo jacket. “Women everywhere have graduated to a new level of understanding of who we are!” declared Beyonce, without irony, proving that bootyliciousness is no barrier to female empowerment. Scientologists Tom Cruise and Will Smith represented Oprah’s spiritual side, while Aretha Franklin and Usher offered rousing renditions of Amazing Grace and Oh, Happy Day, When Jesus Walked. A teary-eyed Oprah resisted the urge to announce an altar call, which could very well have created a stampede toward the stage. She proclaimed to her worldwide audience, “Your presence in front of your television honors me.” Fans everywhere have vowed to remain seated before their televisions for the foreseeable future. Harpo Studios acknowledges that Oprah’s unofficial title of ‘Pope-rah’ will not be officially adopted by Saint Oprah. “Don’t be silly,” said Gail, Oprah’s BFF. “There have been many, many popes, but there is only one Oprah. Why would she change her brand at this stage in her career?”

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Cover of "High Sierra (Keepcase)"

When Tough Guys Could Afford a Tank of Gas

In High Sierra, Humphrey Bogart plays – to quote Ida Lupino – ‘a tough guy’. That tough guy buys 10 gallons of gas. He pays with a five dollar bill and gets more than $2.00 back in change. Bogart wouldn’t pay $4.00 a gallon. I’m sure of it.

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Greeting cards on display at retail.

Hallmark Just Doesn't Get It

Now that Mother’s Day is behind us, many are breathing a sigh of relief. Those of you with the perfect mom, please stop reading now. The rest of you (and you know who you are) are suffering post traumatic stress syndrome. The day that celebrates sacred motherhood is nothing, if not ulcer-inducing. Aside from the torturous dilemma of how to spend the least possible amount of time with Mom while pretending you are delighted to bask in her maternal magnificense, another bullet that must be dodged is the annual Mother’s Day card. Hallmark just doesn’t get it. Those people standing in the aisle, browsing through the greeting cards are not smiling. They’re grimacing. How does one honor Moody Mom? Me-First Mom? Manic Mom? Then there is Jealous Mom, Judge Judy Mom and that perennial favorite, Jack Daniels Mom. Hallmark seems to have a card for everything. But those of us who pore over the Mother’s Day cards know better. “You were always there for me, Mom” rings hollow since Mom was at Coachella with her boyfriend when the toilet overflowed and you couldn’t call the plumber because the phone had been disconnected for lack of payment. “I can never repay you for all you’ve done for me” feels more like a dig than a complement, considering all the times you loaned her money from your after-school job at Taco Bell (which she has yet to repay). No, those people lingering in the card aisle at Von’s, clutching an $8.99 ‘Spring Mix’ bouquet are not searching for a perfect expression of their devotion. They’re just trying to find something that will not seem ironic and cruel, considering Mom’s painfully obvious failures at parenting. The right card is there, but you have to search for it. Oh, sure, the card is covered with peonies and swirly designs and has a matching lavender envelope, just like all the other cards. But the message inside is greatly edited. What does it say? Simple. Happy Mother’s Day! Which is code for: In spite of everything, I still love you.

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