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Posts Tagged ‘CELEBRITIES’

Happy Mother’s Day! Don’t be fooled by appearances. This furry mom’s guilt is eating her up inside.

Cats, Kitten

Cats, Kitten (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In spite of what your children tell their friends, therapists and parole officers, you are not the worst mother in the world. In honor of mothers everywhere, squirming with guilt and wondering what went wrong, the Culture Vulture has compiled a list of bad moms.

1. Ma Barker. This mom raised four outlaw sons and travelled with them on their violent crime sprees. Because local television news had yet to be invented, the country never got to hear this now-common refrain: “But, really, he was a good boy.”

2. Joan Crawford. Movie-star mom, whose most famous line does not come from any of her films. “No more wire hangers!”

3. Britney Spears. When you lose custody of your kids to Kevin Federline, you know you’ve hit rock bottom as a mom.

4. Gertrude, Hamlet’s mom. The Queen of Denial, she married the man who murdered her husband, Hamlet’s father.

5. Octomom. After giving birth to a litter, some said a cat is a better mother than this mom, but the Culture Vulture thinks that is an insult to cats everywhere.

6. Burnt Marshmallow Mom. This tanning-bed addict makes a Toddlers and Tiaras mom look downright June Cleaverish.

7. Herodias. The original Dance Mom. Her talented daughter, Salome, could have taken home a gigantic trophy. Instead, at the urging of her mom, Salome requested the head of John the Baptist on a platter.

8. Jenny McCarthy. Playboy model, self-appointed expert and spokeswoman for the autism/vaccination connection. Only in America.

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PARIS

After Midnight in Paris

Can anything good happen after midnight? Woody Allen’s latest film, Midnight in Paris, answers that question with a resounding maybe! Dreams, fantasies and mythical thinking happen after midnight. Painless time travel happens after midnight. But, lies, deception and stolen kisses also happen after midnight. And ultimately, crushed hopes and the harsh light of early morning happen…you guessed it: after midnight. However, in Woody’s world, repeated visits (after midnight, of course) to Paris in the twenties – the Paris of Zelda and F.Scott Fitzgerald, Gertrude Stein and Ernest Hemingway – only serve to reinforce nostalgia for that romantic era. The softening effect of rain upon narrow cobblestone streets only whets the appetite for more of the same. The seductive effect of a sweet and beautiful flapper from that era only increases the hunger. But flappers are only human. They, too, long for a different era, a more romantic era. A beautiful flapper wishes to discard her beaded sheaths and feathered headbands, if only she can be permanantly transported to La Belle Epoque. Ahhh, La Belle Epoque. Now, that would be the perfect time to be alive, she says. So, I wonder: If I could be transported into another era, which one would I choose? How about you?

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face value

Look, no wrinkles! Not at all scary, oh no.

“I’m invisible! I’ve never been invisible before!” So says Old Lodgeskins to Jack Crabb in the funniest movie ever made about cowboys and indians, Little Big Man. Old Lodgeskins is traipsing through a bloody battle between the United States  cavalry and the Oglala nation. Jack Crabb, played by Dustin Hoffman, desperately tries to shield the elderly chief. Old Lodgeskins ignores Jack’s pleas. He is convinced that powerful medicine makes him invisible to his enemies. Old Lodgeskins would be surprised to learn that in today’s culture, he would still be invisible, with or without powerful medicine. Why? Because he is old. In today’s culture, men and women pay top dollar for powerful medicine so that they won’t be invisible. Fragile skin that has survived more than half a century will be stretched, plumped and injected because of its inhabitant’s desperate desire to be seen, rather than ignored. Atomic breasts become missiles, aimed at the world, launch-ready and threatening, but definitely not invisible. Like overripe produce, bodies are laid out, examined for flaws, scraped and polished until their sell-by date is erased, hopefully forever. The culture that honored its elderly – the culture that Old Lodgeskins took for granted – is, today, as rare as a teepee.

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Stedman Graham

Pope-rah's Concubine?

In a stunning series of events this week, the Vatican announced its nomination of Oprah for sainthood. Amidst the excitement generated by Oprah’s last appearance on her long running talk show, the Pope was quoted as saying, “The woman has miraculous powers that can only be attributed to a divine source. No one but Oprah could have made Stedman Graham a household name.” Rumors abound that the Holy See was  inspired by the appearances of  Tom Hanks, Madonna and Dakota Fanning, among others. Beyonce sang a rousing tribute to Oprah, wearing fish net stockings and a skin-tight tuxedo jacket. “Women everywhere have graduated to a new level of understanding of who we are!” declared Beyonce, without irony, proving that bootyliciousness is no barrier to female empowerment. Scientologists Tom Cruise and Will Smith represented Oprah’s spiritual side, while Aretha Franklin and Usher offered rousing renditions of Amazing Grace and Oh, Happy Day, When Jesus Walked. A teary-eyed Oprah resisted the urge to announce an altar call, which could very well have created a stampede toward the stage. She proclaimed to her worldwide audience, “Your presence in front of your television honors me.” Fans everywhere have vowed to remain seated before their televisions for the foreseeable future. Harpo Studios acknowledges that Oprah’s unofficial title of ‘Pope-rah’ will not be officially adopted by Saint Oprah. “Don’t be silly,” said Gail, Oprah’s BFF. “There have been many, many popes, but there is only one Oprah. Why would she change her brand at this stage in her career?”

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Cover of "High Sierra (Keepcase)"

When Tough Guys Could Afford a Tank of Gas

In High Sierra, Humphrey Bogart plays – to quote Ida Lupino – ‘a tough guy’. That tough guy buys 10 gallons of gas. He pays with a five dollar bill and gets more than $2.00 back in change. Bogart wouldn’t pay $4.00 a gallon. I’m sure of it.

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Happy New Year! Someone carry the Dick Clark robot off the stage. The kids are terrified.

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Should anyone really be surprised that Cher’s daughter, Chastity, has chosen to have herself surgically transformed into a male? When plastic surgery is as common as dental surgery (maybe more so) what is the next logical step after nose jobs, breast implants and liposuction? Removal of unwanted body parts and the addition of those not given at birth. Why not? Like mother, like daughter. Or son. Or, whatever.

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